Dear Crabby's Advice Column

Dear Crabby's Advice for People Who Don't Have the Sense God Gave a Goose

Dear Crabby,

The last three doctors I've been to all insist that I need a kidney transplant. I am just not sure what to do. What is your advice? Please respond immediately as time is of the essence.

Dialyzing in Dallas, 1966

Dear Dialyzing,

Listen, while they're in there why don't you have them put in a brain!? Where do you people come up with this stuff? Can't you think of anything REALLY important to worry about? "Oh, Dear Crabby, I need a kidney! What should I do?" Listen,Bub,I been wearing the same watch for two years. You don't hear me crying for a new one. Tough it out--maybe if you didn't drink so much Classic Coke you wouldn't need a new kidney! You people get yourselves into these messes and expect Dear Crabby to get you out. Well, she's not biting, Bub. And she'll get to this letter when she's good and ready. Don't you tell HER when to write back,just be glad she got to it by the new millennium-- oh... well,whatever!

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Dear Crabby,

I hate to seem cynical, but my boss hasn't paid me in over a year, and, golly, I am ashamed to admit this, but I am starting to doubt whether he is ever going to. I don't want to be negative but I have a feeling he is taking advantage of me. What should I do?

Selling Off Family Heirlooms in Gary, IN

Dear Selling Off,

What kind of family heirlooms are we talking about here? Dear Crabby is in the market for a pair of pearl earbobs and a cameo brooch. Don't try to throw in any of that costume crap, she's got an eagle eye when it comes to baubles. What about gemstones? Dear Crabby LIVES for sapphires. Don't just stand there--get going! She wants an heirloom inventory and she wants it now! How do you expect her to answer your question if you don't give her all the facts? Move it! Move it! Move it!

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Dear Crabby,

School is out for the summer and my kids are already bored. What do you recommend?

Frazzled and Frenzied in Fresno

Dear Frazzled,

Ever heard of a little invention called the television set? You park the little ankle biters in front of it for 12 hours a day, supply them with high carb snacks and watch them balloon from a size 6 to a size 24 husky in ten short weeks. It's a blast, and when they wake up out of their sugar coma, the kids will thank you for a great summer. Why does Dear Crabby have to do all the thinking here? When we were kids we entertained ourselves by spending the summer making prank phone calls, ringing neighbors' doorbells and running like the wind, and having seances in the woods. Now that was good, clean fun. And believe it or not, Dear Crabby still keeps up with her childhood friends. Just last week she heard from Big Joanne,who is a guest at Rykers (and apparently will be for many, many years),and the month before that from Little Timmy, who left the old neighborhood and now resides in Happy Hills Sanitarium. Dear Crabby is starting to get misty here, which is very uncharacteristic, and it's ticking her off! So get lost, and don't write with any stupid questions again, or she'll take the kid gloves off and you won't know what hit you!

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Okay, people, that's it. I'm out of today's quota of patience for nitwits!

Till next time...

Oh, yeah! If you want to read my cousin Suelene's advice to losers, click on the link. (Duh!) She's a self-proclaimed "expert" from Quail Holler, Tennessee. She's not as sweet as her cousin (that would be me, Dear Crabby--do I have to tell you EVERYTHING??), so BEWARE! And yes, she's paying a pretty penny for this link from my prestigious column, so click through!

To Suelene's "Expert" Advice Column

Did you figure it out yet, Bub? This is Suelene. She insists on having her picture posted. I ask you, is that a bad idea, or what?

I'm warning you, if you don't sign Patty's guest book, I'm going to be ticked off, and that, my dears and darlings, is not a pretty sight. Move it! Move it! Move it!