Predictions, Predictions and More Predictions From Madame Patricia! Since these are just for family, they haven't been cleaned up to look pretty. (Let's get over it, shall we?) Let's start with 1998! Happy New Year! Here are a few predictions by our resident psycho--I mean
psychic-- to let you know what to expect
in 1998.
JANUARY 1998
1 First Dog Buddy's
name is changed to Buffy when he bumps Hilary out of
the
west wing arm chair for the third time
in one day. First Cat Socks smirks
smugly.
4 Ann S. Heroman
loses her glasses--el nino blamed.
9 Wes Heroman's
birthday ; he gets bombarded by birthday cards via e-mail
which overloads the University computer
system. Classes suspended for two
days. Wes becomes BMOC.
15 SJA's birthday; Pope
John Paul II forgets to send a card-- el nino
blamed.
20 Amy Eggertsson's
birthday-- Elton John writes touching song, "Angel in
the Wind" ; brings everyone
who hears it to tears.
22 Corey's 8th birthday--
he is ecstatic over presents which were actually
Christmas gifts that his mother had
hidden so well that she couldn't find them
in time for Christmas. Crisis averted.
FEBRUARY 1998
4 Guy's
40th Birthday-- he plans to hike to the top of a mountain then
remembers that FL is flat. El nino
blamed.
15 Palm Beach
County Public School students go on strike to protest
having to actually attend school for 5
days in a row ; ACLU on hand.
28 Sharks
sighted on Lake Worth Beach--wait a minute, that's just greedy
tobacco fighting litigators--Sorry!
March 1998
9
Jay Reale's birthday--Wife hides a dog in the attic aided and abetted
by her
pet-loving brother Tim. Sister Patty
complains " It's deja vu all over again!"
25 Rosie
and Mary Gnandt buy condo in Boca Raton. El nino blamed.
APRIL 1998
1
Rob Heroman's birthday; hits a grandslam in his baseball game. Elton
John writes a poignant song, "
Baseball in the Wind" which has the crowd in
tears.
15 Tax Day--
IRS hires public relations maven Claudia "LaLa" Kerr to
clean up their image.Pet chihuahua Gina
Kerr passes out at press conference
when she spots First Dog Buffy in
the crowd.
26 Mary
and Rosie fight with their neighbors over a ball that rolled
into their
yard. "Who belongs to this
ball?"
MAY1998
3
Danny and Debbie's birthday-- Postal services mix up birthday cards
and
send Danny a card from Nancy Shum with a
shrunken head on it ; Debbie gets one
from Johnny Gerbasi with a joke
about appliance workers who wear their pants
too low. Tom Smith investigates.
18 Kyle
H. graduates from High school. Elton John writes a touching song
called " Diploma in the Wind"
which brings commencement exercises to a tearful
halt.
24
Joseph R.'s 8th birthday. He celebrates by going to Dairy Queen,
which he pays for with a 15 cent gift
certificate he got from Uncle Tim.
Somethings are more predictable than
others.
Well, we're almost 1/2 way through the
year so I'll stop here to give your
eyes a rest. Will send more predictions
later.
Madame Patricia
Just when you thought it was safe to go
back online: more 1998 predictions!
JUNE1998
1
Patty E's 40th birthday--her mother sends her a birthday card that
actually arrives on time. El nino
blamed.
6
John Makus is caught on videotape winging Ginger through the air.
Elton John writes an emotional tribute,
"Daschound in the Wind", which tears
all who knew her up.
18 Ann
and Don H. celebrate their 22nd Anniversary with a gala affair
held at
Rustic restaurant in Rocky River.
Brother Tim takes pictures for the Plain
Dealer Society pages.
JULY1998
4 Brian
Gabel falls on the Rogers' dog while running with a sparkler and
sets her on fire at the Hawkins Rd July
4th block party. Mrs. Rogers says
sadly, "We didn't know that when we
named her Sparkle how fitting that name
would turn out to be."
17 Ann H.'s 45th
birthday-- Don takes her on a whirlwind tour of Atlanta
with Ted and Jane Fonda as guides. Ann
gets her glasses tangled in Jane's hair
at a Braves game, and accidently spills
beer on Ted while blindly doing the
Tomahawk chop.
18 Smith family
reunion at Beech Mountain. Fred raises prices at the
Mercantile.. El nino blamed.
23 Sylvia and Golda
Swinklestein have a falling out before their annual
revue
at the reunion, over who gets to wear
the purple sequinned feather boa. Golda
relents when Syl promises to let her
wear the Barbra Streisand costume for
Halloween.
30 Tim S.'s
birthday--after months of hinting that he wants the new
Scottie Pippin NIKEs,the joke is on him
when Megan wraps up a fake detached
foot and puts it in a NIKE box.
When Tim comes to, he enjoys a piece of
devil's food cake with a fake fly in it.
Family members agree that the
honeymoon is over for this young, impish
couple.
31 Megan S.'s
birthday--she refuses to open any of her gifts until she can
take them to Cleveland Hopkins Airport
and have them x-rayed. After Holding
Tim for questioning for 4 hours, Airport
Security finally lets Tim go home
with the direct order to GET SOME
PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!
AUGUST 1998
6 Don
H.'s birthday-- Ann hosts a surprise party for 200 of their
closest friends and relatives but
forgets to invite the guests. They order
takeout and make it a Blockbuster Night.
19 Kyle H.
beats Tiger Woods in a Skins match. Thousands of kids around
the country begin chanting, "I am
Kyle Heroman."
31 Caiti S.'s
birthday-- poor little thing is scared to open her present
after her father receives a delivery
from Toussaud's Wax Museum. Tim
complains to Megan, "Why did you
have to teach her to read?"
>OK, this is it until next year,
unless a wave of psychic images wash over me
>before then.--Madame Patricia
>
>SEPTEMBER 1998
>
> 7
Jeanna R.'s 13th birthday-- Brother Joseph hides a dog in the attic
>but things go terribly awry when
the little rascal chews up the fiberglas
>insulation. After extensive vet
bills, the little pup is named Pepcid AC, but
>goes by Pepi, for short.
>
> 21
Geritol sponsors Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones on a world tour.
>Mick
>breaks his hip when he trips over
his walker while strutting to "What a Drag
>it is
>Getting Old". Tour is
postponed for 6 weeks due to grueling physical therapy
>schedule.
>
> 29
Mary and Rosie Gnandt, having found it hard to get along with
>neighbors,
>move to a condo in Delray Beach.
>
>OCTOBER 1998
>
> 2
Tom S.'s birthday-- Receives a mysterious package from brother Tim;
>FBI opens it up to find a
UPS uniform inside. "What a sick joke", gripes Tom.
>
> 3
Tom Smith named PostMaster General after proposing Post Office issue
>"Gilligan's Island"
commemorative stamp series.
>
> 11
Due to the crime rate in Miami, the area code there is changed to
>911.
>
> 23
Detroit Tigers win the World Series; el nino blamed.
>
> 30
Don Heroman named acting President of Notre Dame when Father Molloy
>is transferred to Haiti after a
bad endowment year. Son Wes transfers to
>Stanford.
>
>NOVEMBER 1998
> 1
Disney lobbies to give life-long financial support to the Iowa
>Septuplets if their parents will
allow Disney to name them. The parents of
>Alladin, Belle, Cinderella,
>Mowgli, Hercules, Quasimodo and
Fantasia happily agree.
>
> 7
Rolling Stones continue their "Steel Prostates" World tour,
sponsored
>by Geritol and Depends
undergarments.
>
> 17 Mary
and Rosie Gnandt have a run in with the Condo board when they
>adamantly insist that their
beloved Sandy, whom they had stuffed when he
>passed on 20 years ago, be allowed
to stand outside their front door.
>
> 18 Mary and
Rosie Gnandt move to West Palm Beach to a condo that allows
>pets.
>
> 22 Bette
Smith's birthday--husband Don surprises her with a multihead VCR
>so she can record CNN, McNeil
Lehrer hour and MSNBC simultaneously. "Now
>THAT'S Must-See TV!" Bette
exults.
>
> 23 Ryan Smith's
first birthday--celebrates with cake and ice cream, a soft
>blankie and a big smile. Tim takes
pictures for his family website.
>
> 24 Don Smith's
Birthday--meets good friend Jack Giannoni in a chat room on
>the internet and contentedly
spends the day playing cribbage. Ah, life is
>good.
>
>DECEMBER 1998
> 1
Elizabeth Taylor weds Don King in Las Vegas with an Elvis Look-alike
>officiating. The ceremony is
delayed when Don can't fit his hair through the
>chapel door.
>
> 2
King/Taylor honeymoon postponed when Don King's hair sets off the
>alarm in the airport metal
detector 14 times.
>
> 3
Elizabeth Taylor files for divorce from Don King citing
>"Irreconcilable Hair
Differences".
>
> 10 Geoff
Smith's birthday-- Tom hosts a hockey theme party and invites
>Mario
>Lemieux, Eric Lindros and Wayne
Gretzky. Melee results when Lindros pushes
>Lemieux into the dining room wall
when the cake is served. On the way to the
>cage (Geoff's room) Lindros
grumbles, "It was just a check, Man!"
>
> 12 Wes
dates first daughter Chelsea Clinton.
>
> 17 Patty E.
receives a lotto ticket in leiu of a christmas tip from a PB
>Post customer.
>
> 19 Patty E.
wins $120 million lottery. Puts in her 30 day notice at the
>Post.
>
> 23 Patty finishes
Christmas shopping and sends packages up north via UPS,
>paying thousands of dollars extra
to get them there by Christmas. "Next year I
>promise I'll be done shopping by
Thanksgiving!" Her kids roll their eyes,
>"yeah, right,Mom."
>
> 28 Kyle H.'s birthday-- Don
plans to surprise him with Titanium clubs but
>Ann gets mixed up and accidently
orders Plutonium clubs instead. After a 10
>minute interrogation by the CIA,
FBI, and NSF they conclude Ann made an honest
>mistake and help her remember
where she parked her car in the parking lot.
>
> 29 Little Lauren's
birthday-- Tim and Megan throw a small party for 200-300
>of
>Lauren's closest friends. While
smiling at the video camera, Lauren is
>discovered
>by Michael Eisner, who happens to
be visiting next door for Chanukkah, and is
>slated to star in the next Disney
non-animated movie.
>
> 31 Patty and Guy fly all
the Smith's, Heroman's and Reale's To South Florida
>for a New Years Eve Blowout.Wes
brings Chelsea Clinton. Everyone loves it here
>so much they all vow to move down
here within six months.
>
>HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!
AND 1999...
Happy New Year, Everyone!
In keeping with tradition, here is the first installment of Madame Patricia's New Year Predictions. It will be hard to top last year's predictions, but here goes: JANUARY 1999 1 Ann resolves
to keep her glasses in the same spot so she always knows 4 The NBA
strike is settled when the players agree to return under the 15
NunotherthanJean's birthday. Her sister's meet her in Las Vegas where 24 Hawkins Road
Reunion/Block Party. Tim and Megan win the Ethel Kennedy FEBRUARY 1999 4 Guy's
birthday. While shopping at Walmart for his gift, Patty takes her 10 Deb's finger gets
stuck in the printer while changing the cartridge. 16 Dennis Rodman
marries Ginger Spice in Las Vegas. His agent announces he 24 Ann decides to
experiment with velcro behind her ears to ensure that MARCH 1999 9 Jay's birthday. Deb
posts pictures on the familypoint website (how psychic 15 Mom patents the "sockravat,"
the socks that can be worn as a scarf. They 22 Dennis Rodman
marries Daisy Fuentes in Las Vegas. His agent announces he 30 Just before being
(accidently) stepped on by Dave Kerr, Gina Kerr is 31 Upon awakening
from her coma, Gina is heard to say,"Quiero Taco Bell". That's all for now,
folks! Dear Family,
My crystal ball has been hazy so the predictions are coming through
rather slowly. Here are a few more
to tide you over until the next premonition
comes upon me.
APRIL 1999
1 Rob's birthday. Ann
Velcro's her glasses to her head to avoid another
cake incident. Later, Don bites into
her wedding ring as he eats a piece of
birthday cake.
3 Holy Saturday. Megan
and the girls dye 400 hard-boiled eggs for an Easter
egg hunt Sunday morning. Lauren
makes sure there are no brown ones.
4 Easter Sunday. Megan
"scrambles" to dye more eggs when it is discovered
that Ry Guy has been up for two
hours mowing the lawn with his Fisher-Price
bubble mower.
7 Sisters Reunion in
Hotlanta!!! Patty accidentally knocks out a flight
attendant when she swings her
carryon bag into the overhead compartment and
clips the stewardess on the back of
the head. No incidents on MARTA are
foreseen at this time.
7-11 Dow Jones notes marked
increase in sales of Breyer's ice cream and
Adult Incontinence Undergarments in
the Southeast US. Coincidence? I think
not.
8 Debbie successfully enters
Tim and Megan's e-mail addresses into Ann's
computer address book.
9 Ann accidentally deletes
Tim and Megan's addresses from her computer
address book.
15 Dennis Rodman marries
Jenny McCarthy in Las Vegas. His agent announces he
was very drunk and the marriage is
annulled.
24 Mom pickets the
National Wildlife Assn. when the armadillo is placed on
the Endangered Species List.
MAY 1999
3 Deb and Danny's
birthdays. Ann accidentally mails her glasses to Debbie
with her birthday card.
9 Mother's Day. All the
Smith kids and their families descend on
Continental Country Club to surprise
Mom. She is overwhelmed and responds with
a heartfelt,
"Oh God No! Well, I'm not
cooking!" Dad makes milk toast for all.
24 Joseph's birthday.
Fun-loving Uncle Tim prepares to send him a box of
novelty toys, including fake vomit,
fake dog doo, shrunken heads, rubber mice,
etc. Unfortunately he accidentally
mixes up the address labels with the
package of blank diskettes he is
sending to Dad to donate to church. Wouldn't
you like to be a rubber fly on the
wall when Mom and Dad open up that box?!!
30 Deb and Jay's 18th
Anniversary. Jay surprises Debbie with a computer room
which he built in the basement on
nights when she was out at choir practice
and PTA meetings. Deb gives Jay a
pencil with his name on it.
ML,
Madame Patricia
At 12:09 AM 1/3/99 EST, Rustymag@aol.com
wrote:
>Here we go!
>
>JUNE 1999
>
> 1 Patty's birthday.
Guy surprises her with a brand new mini-van with a
>dishwasher hidden inside of it!
(hey, these are my predictions, why shouldn't
>I get what I want)?
OH, MY LORD I'M VERCLEMPT--TEARY
EYED FROM HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER! DON'T BELIEVE ME, MADAME? YOU SAID TO ME
TONIGHT, "YOU LIE LIKE A DEAD ARMADILLO." BUT YOU ARE WRONG,
MISSY, DEAD WRONG! I LOVE THESE PREDICTIONS--ALL OF THEM!! I DON'T WANT
1999 TO END (NOT JUST BECAUSE OF THE Y2K PROBLEM, EITHER!) THESE
PREDICTIONS ARE LIKE BUTTAH, I TELL YOU! KEEP 'EM COMIN', BABY, AND ALL OF
YOU--TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES WHILE I GET MYSELF TOGETHER HERE!
LOLWS!! (AS YOU RECALL, THAT STANDS
FOR LAUGHING OUT LOUD WITH SNORTS--AND BELIEVE ME, THEY WERE COMING FAST
AND FURIOUS WHEN I READ THE PREDICTIONS!)
SHALOM!
GOLDA June 1999 continued 18 Ann and Don's anniversary. Don
finds Ann's book in the cake as he is 25 Dennis Rodman marries
Janet Reno in Las Vegas. Her lawyer states she was JULY 1999 10 Beech Mountain Smith
Family Reunion. The family arrives only to discover 17 Ann's birthday. Don gets her a LoJack for her glasses. 30 Tim's birthday. Megan
takes him to the Indians game where he is knocked 31 Megan's birthday. Tim has
the Infamous Allie picture made into wrapping AUGUST 1999 3 Tim knows a good
thing when he sees it. He sends Dennis Rodman 25 6 Don's birthday. He finds Ann's LoJack in his cake as he bites into it. 15 Mom and Dad's
Anniversary. Mr. Shively shows up to help them celebrate. 26 Vickie buys a rare
Beanie Baby and hides it in her waste basket for ML,
Without further ado, here's a few
more:
SEPTEMBER 1999
6 Mom makes an
armadillo trap using a laundry basket, a sand wedge, coffee
grounds and a spool of Coats and
Clark black thread.
9 Lauren wins the
first grade talent contest after singing "Don't Cry for
Me, Argentina" with Caiti
accompanying her on her Fisher-Price toy piano.
11 Using his new bumper
sticker kit,Tim prints one for Mom and Dad that
says "I like armadillos, they
taste like chicken".
16 Mattel attempts to
lure Jay with an offer to give him full reign over
their complete Barbie House and
Summer Home collection. He is torn but turns
it down when they balk at the idea
of solar panels, something he feels
strongly about. Deb stands by her
man and kisses those visions of unlimited
credit at CompUSA good-bye.
19 Mom finds that
someone or something has built a miniature Stone Henge in
the armadillo trap.
25 NunotherthanJean
returns to Magnificat to become the choir director. Moo
me mae mo ma moo.
28 Mom is served with
papers from Billy Bob McCoy, president of
APT--Armadillos are People Too.
Dad's response is a resounding, "Ah, your
mother wears army boots!"
OCTOBER 1999
2 Tom's birthday.
Geoff makes a delicious dinner of hot-dogs and mac and
cheese. Freddie rents "That
Darned Cat" for the occasion.
3 Patty and Guy's
18th anniversary. They splurge on a new mini-van with a
dishwasher hidden inside (déjà vu,
you say)?
7 Mom finds Ann's
glasses in the armadillo trap.
13 Patty breathes a
sigh of relief when the newspaper she tosses narrowly
misses a French poodle out for a
walk with it's owner. However she doesn't
notice the family cat as she backs
out...
16 The Suncoast
Chargers win their first football game of the season when
Danny kicks a 70 yard field goal
into the wind. Proud mom Patty falls through
the bleachers while jumping up and
down, but thankfully grabs her Lava Buns
seat cushion as she is going down
which breaks the fall quite nicely.
31 The Smith girls go
trick or treating as the Spice Girls. The evening is
cut short because Ryan, dressed as
Elvis, keeps trying to eat the sequins off
his white bodysuit.
This should tide you over
until the spirits speak again.
>
>NOVEMBER 1999
> 3 While watching
A&E Biography, featuring Steve Jobs, the Smiths are
>astounded to learn that the
computer mogul got the idea to name his company
>"Apple" after finding
an apple core under his couch, which had been left
there
>by his children's baby-sitter,
Ann Smith.
>
> 6 Lauren is a hit
at Night-in-Blue when she performs, "I Can't Help
Loving
>That Man O' Mine,"
accompanied by Claudia Kerr on the piano.
>
> 9 Don Smith is
informed by Ed McMahon that he (and anyone else in the
>continental United States with a
mailing address) may already be a winner
in
>the $10,000,000 American
Family Sweepstakes.
>
> 14 Not realizing
she is in the Pet Products aisle at Meier's, Debbie
picks
>up a package of Pup Corn,
Snausages and Beggin' Strips to serve the Ogusses
at
>their weekly Friday night
get-together.
>
> 19 Tim asks Freddie
the fearless feline to testmarket his latest kit
called
>the "Kitty Licker,"
for cats too uppity to bathe themselves.
>
> 23 Dad
worries about Mom is becoming obsessed when she serves him a
Spam
>casserole molded into the shape
of an armadillo. Mom explains she got the
>recipe from "Granny
Clampett's Kountry Kitchen", a cultural program on the
>Hillbilly Channel.
>
> 25 Don and Ann
prepare a neighborhood feast reminiscent of the first
>Thanksgiving dinner. Don finds
Ann's glasses when he removes the stuffing
from
>the bird.
>
>ML
Well, you asked for it! Here are the
December 1999 Predictions:
December 1999
3 Vickie
arranges for a Winterstock performance of "Fiddler on the Roof"
in the hospital cafeteria. The
Columbus Dispatch declares, "Willie Nelson IS
Tevye!"
10 Megan makes
2000 gingerbread cookies in honor of the millennium. She
spends hours selecting the icing,
decorations etc, to make them just perfect.
11 Ryan is sent
to his room indefinitely when Megan discovers he ate all
the heads and legs off the
gingerbread men she baked yesterday. Inches from a
clean getaway, Ryan is fingered for
the crime when a ring of gingerbread
crumbs around his mouth is revealed
as he stands under the ultraviolet
Christmas star Tim put on top of the
tree.
17 Patty calls
Debbie to ask her who she and Guy have for Secret Santa.
20 Geoff is
approached by Sony, who want to by the rights to the new
video game he has developed that's a
take off on Pokemon, called "Hockeymon,"
which is made up of characters that
wear hockey gear and evolve to several
stages, such as Fourteeth, Twoteeth,
Noteeth.
23 Patty
calls Debbie again to ask her who she and Guy have for Secret
Santa.
Tim sends her a carton of Gingko
Biloboa and a Memory Kit.
26 Patty
sends out the Secret Santa presents and vows that next year
will be different.
31 In what
can only be called the irony of ironies, Ann solves the Y2K
problem when trying to access
the Reale Family Webpage. Much to her family's
amazement she is offered a job as a
consultant at Microsoft but it is quickly
rescinded when she can't figure out
how to answer her e-mail from them to
accept the position.
Happy New Year,
Everyone!
More stuff coming when Deb or somebody finds it!
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