Predictions, Predictions and More Predictions From Madame Patricia!

Since these are just for family, they haven't been cleaned up to look pretty. (Let's get over it, shall we?)

Let's start with 1998!

Happy New Year! Here are a few predictions by our resident psycho--I mean

psychic-- to let you know what to expect in 1998.

  1   First Dog Buddy's name is changed to Buffy when he bumps Hilary out of
west wing arm chair for the third time in one day. First Cat Socks smirks
  4   Ann S. Heroman loses her glasses--el nino blamed.
  9   Wes Heroman's birthday ; he gets bombarded by birthday cards via e-mail
which overloads the University computer system. Classes suspended for   two
days. Wes becomes BMOC.
  15  SJA's birthday; Pope John Paul II forgets to send a card-- el nino

  20  Amy Eggertsson's birthday-- Elton John writes touching song, "Angel in
the  Wind" ; brings everyone who hears it to tears.
  22  Corey's 8th birthday-- he is ecstatic over presents which were actually
Christmas gifts that his mother had hidden so well that she couldn't find them
in time for Christmas. Crisis averted.

  4     Guy's 40th Birthday-- he plans to hike to the top of a mountain then
remembers that FL is flat. El nino blamed.

  15    Palm Beach County Public School students go on strike to protest
having to actually attend school for 5 days in a row ; ACLU on hand.

  28    Sharks sighted on Lake Worth Beach--wait a minute, that's just greedy
tobacco fighting litigators--Sorry!

March 1998

  9      Jay Reale's birthday--Wife hides a dog in the attic aided and abetted
by her
pet-loving brother Tim. Sister Patty complains " It's deja vu all over again!"

 25     Rosie and Mary Gnandt buy condo in Boca Raton. El nino blamed.

APRIL 1998

  1      Rob Heroman's birthday; hits a grandslam in his baseball game. Elton
John writes a poignant song, " Baseball in the Wind" which has the crowd in

  15    Tax Day-- IRS hires public relations maven Claudia "LaLa" Kerr to
clean up their image.Pet chihuahua Gina Kerr passes out at press conference
when she spots First Dog  Buffy in the crowd.

  26     Mary and Rosie fight with their neighbors over a ball that rolled
into their
yard. "Who belongs to this ball?"


  3      Danny and Debbie's birthday-- Postal services mix up birthday cards
send Danny a card from Nancy Shum with a shrunken head on it ; Debbie gets one
from  Johnny Gerbasi with a joke about appliance workers who wear their pants
too low. Tom Smith investigates.

  18     Kyle H. graduates from High school. Elton John writes a touching song
called " Diploma in the Wind" which brings commencement exercises to a tearful
  24      Joseph R.'s 8th birthday. He celebrates by going to Dairy Queen,
which he pays for with a 15 cent gift certificate he got from Uncle Tim.
Somethings are more predictable than others.

Well, we're almost 1/2 way through the year so I'll stop here to give your
eyes a rest. Will send more predictions later.
             Madame Patricia


Just when you thought it was safe to go back online: more 1998 predictions!


     1   Patty E's 40th birthday--her mother sends her a birthday card that
actually arrives on time. El nino blamed.

     6   John Makus is caught on videotape winging Ginger through the air.
Elton John writes an emotional tribute, "Daschound in the Wind",  which tears
all who knew her up.

    18   Ann and Don H. celebrate their 22nd Anniversary with a gala affair
held at
Rustic restaurant in Rocky River. Brother Tim takes pictures for the Plain
Dealer Society pages.


   4    Brian Gabel falls on the Rogers' dog while running with a sparkler and
sets her on fire at the Hawkins Rd July 4th block party. Mrs. Rogers says
sadly, "We didn't know that when we named her Sparkle how fitting that name
would turn out to be."

  17   Ann H.'s 45th birthday-- Don takes her on a whirlwind tour of Atlanta
with Ted and Jane Fonda as guides. Ann gets her glasses tangled in Jane's hair
at a Braves game, and accidently spills beer on Ted while blindly doing the
Tomahawk chop.

  18   Smith family reunion at Beech Mountain. Fred raises prices at the
Mercantile.. El nino blamed.

  23   Sylvia and Golda Swinklestein have a falling out before their annual
at the reunion, over who gets to wear the purple sequinned feather boa. Golda
relents when Syl promises to let her wear the Barbra Streisand costume for

  30   Tim S.'s birthday--after months of hinting that he wants the new
Scottie Pippin NIKEs,the joke is on him when Megan wraps up a fake detached
foot and  puts it in a NIKE box. When Tim comes to, he enjoys a piece of
devil's food cake with a fake fly in it. Family members agree that the
honeymoon is over for this young, impish couple.

  31   Megan S.'s birthday--she refuses to open any of her gifts until she can
take them to Cleveland Hopkins Airport and have them x-rayed. After Holding
Tim for questioning for 4 hours, Airport Security finally lets Tim go home
with the direct order to GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP!!!


   6    Don H.'s birthday-- Ann hosts a surprise party for 200 of their
closest friends and relatives but forgets to invite the guests. They order
takeout and make it a Blockbuster Night.

   19   Kyle H. beats Tiger Woods in a Skins match. Thousands of kids around
the country begin chanting, "I am Kyle Heroman."

   31   Caiti S.'s birthday-- poor little thing is scared to open her present
after her father receives a delivery from  Toussaud's Wax Museum. Tim
complains to Megan, "Why did you have to teach her to read?"


>OK, this is it until next year, unless a wave of psychic images wash over me
>before then.--Madame Patricia
>    7    Jeanna R.'s 13th birthday-- Brother Joseph hides a dog in the attic
>but things go terribly awry when the little rascal  chews up the fiberglas
>insulation. After extensive vet bills, the little pup is named Pepcid AC, but
>goes by Pepi, for short.
>    21  Geritol sponsors Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones on a world tour.
>breaks his hip when he trips over his walker while strutting to "What a Drag
>it is
>Getting Old". Tour is postponed for 6 weeks due to grueling physical therapy
>    29    Mary and Rosie Gnandt, having found it hard to get along with
>move to a condo in Delray Beach.
>    2     Tom S.'s birthday-- Receives a mysterious package from brother Tim;
>FBI opens  it up to find a UPS uniform inside. "What a sick joke", gripes Tom.
>   3      Tom Smith named PostMaster General after proposing Post Office issue
>"Gilligan's Island" commemorative stamp series.
>  11     Due to the crime rate in Miami, the area code there is changed to
>  23     Detroit Tigers win the World Series; el nino blamed.
>  30     Don Heroman named acting President of Notre Dame when Father Molloy
>is transferred to Haiti after a bad endowment year. Son Wes transfers to
>  1     Disney lobbies to give life-long financial support to the Iowa
>Septuplets if their parents will allow Disney to name them. The parents of
>Alladin, Belle, Cinderella,
>Mowgli, Hercules, Quasimodo and Fantasia happily agree.
>  7      Rolling Stones continue their "Steel Prostates" World tour, sponsored
>by Geritol and  Depends undergarments.
> 17     Mary and Rosie Gnandt have a run in with the Condo board when they
>adamantly insist that their beloved Sandy, whom they had stuffed when he
>passed on 20 years ago, be allowed to stand outside their front door.
> 18    Mary and Rosie Gnandt move to West Palm Beach to a condo that allows
> 22    Bette Smith's birthday--husband Don surprises her with a multihead VCR
>so she can record CNN, McNeil Lehrer hour and MSNBC simultaneously. "Now
>THAT'S Must-See TV!" Bette exults.
> 23    Ryan Smith's first birthday--celebrates with cake and ice cream, a soft
>blankie and a big smile. Tim takes pictures for his family website.
> 24    Don Smith's Birthday--meets good friend Jack Giannoni in a chat room on
>the internet and contentedly spends the day playing cribbage. Ah, life is
> 1      Elizabeth Taylor weds Don King  in Las Vegas with an Elvis Look-alike
>officiating. The ceremony is delayed when Don can't fit his hair through the
>chapel door.
> 2      King/Taylor honeymoon postponed when Don King's hair sets off the
>alarm in the airport  metal detector 14 times.
> 3      Elizabeth Taylor files for divorce from Don King citing
>"Irreconcilable Hair Differences".
> 10    Geoff Smith's birthday-- Tom hosts a hockey theme party and invites
>Lemieux, Eric Lindros and Wayne Gretzky. Melee results when Lindros pushes
>Lemieux into the dining room wall when the cake is served. On the way to the
>cage (Geoff's room) Lindros grumbles, "It was just a check, Man!"
> 12     Wes dates first daughter Chelsea Clinton.
> 17    Patty E. receives a lotto ticket in leiu of a christmas tip from a PB
>Post customer.
> 19    Patty E. wins  $120 million lottery. Puts in her 30 day notice at the
> 23   Patty finishes Christmas shopping and sends packages up north via UPS,
>paying thousands of dollars extra to get them there by Christmas. "Next year I
>promise I'll be done shopping by Thanksgiving!" Her kids roll their eyes,
>"yeah, right,Mom."
> 28  Kyle H.'s birthday-- Don plans to surprise him with Titanium clubs but
>Ann gets mixed up and accidently orders Plutonium  clubs instead. After a 10
>minute interrogation by the CIA, FBI, and NSF they conclude Ann made an honest
>mistake and help her remember where she parked her car in the parking lot.
> 29  Little Lauren's birthday-- Tim and Megan throw a small party for 200-300
>Lauren's closest friends. While smiling at the video camera, Lauren is
>by Michael Eisner, who happens to be visiting next door for Chanukkah, and is
>slated to star in the next Disney non-animated movie.
> 31  Patty and Guy fly all the Smith's, Heroman's and Reale's To South Florida
>for a New Years Eve Blowout.Wes brings Chelsea Clinton. Everyone loves it here
>so much they all vow to move down here within six months.

AND 1999...

Happy New Year, Everyone!
          In keeping with tradition, here is the first installment of Madame
Patricia's New Year Predictions. It will be hard to top last year's
predictions, but here goes:


   1  Ann resolves to  keep her glasses in the same spot so she always knows
where they are. She will seriously start doing this as soon as she finds them.

   4  The NBA strike is settled when the players agree to return under the
proviso that Ralph Bruner will never be permitted to coach a professional
   9  Wes' 21st birthday. Ann bakes him a devil's food cake from scratch.
Later, Don bites into Ann's glasses while eating his cake.

  15  NunotherthanJean's birthday. Her sister's meet her in Las Vegas where
she wins a bundle, which she blows on Diet Coke and Depends Undergarments for

  24  Hawkins Road Reunion/Block Party. Tim and Megan win the Ethel Kennedy
Award for having the most kids in the fewest years and announce twins are on
the way, thereby ensuring their position as champs again next year.


   4  Guy's birthday. While shopping at Walmart for his gift, Patty takes her
eyes off the cart for ONE SECOND. It rolls into Erma, the speech impaired
operator, who announces over the PA, " Shecurity, pleashe shend a nursh to
Shporting Goodsh.
But firsht, pleashe, eshcort thish cushtomer  out the front door."
   6  Geoff's hockey team wins it's first game 4-3!! However it is a scrimmage
game against some neighborhood dogs that wandered onto the ice. But hey, way
to go, guys!

  10  Deb's finger gets stuck in the printer while changing the cartridge.
Pete gets her out with a stick of butter and a stern lecture. The printer is
greasy for a while but the house is filled with the wonderful aroma of  french
toast every time Deb prints.

  16  Dennis Rodman marries Ginger Spice in Las Vegas. His agent announces he
was very drunk during the ceremony and the marriage is annulled.

 24  Ann decides to experiment with velcro behind her ears to ensure that
she'll always know where her glasses are. She'll try it as soon as she
remembers where she put the velcro.

MARCH 1999

  9 Jay's birthday. Deb posts pictures on the familypoint website (how psychic
do you have to be to predict this?), then sends 10,000 e-mail messages to let
everyone know they are there (that drives this psychic up the wall--although
my psychic powers tell me they will be there before I check the mail).

15  Mom patents the "sockravat," the socks that can be worn as a scarf. They
are an instant hit in Minnesota and the stock goes through the roof. CEO Dad
hires the clubhouse cook to make them fish and chips to celebrate.

 22  Dennis Rodman marries Daisy Fuentes in Las Vegas. His agent announces he
was very drunk and the marriage is annulled.

 30  Just before being (accidently) stepped on by Dave Kerr, Gina Kerr is
heard to say "Ay carumba!"

 31  Upon awakening from her coma, Gina is heard to say,"Quiero Taco Bell".

   That's all for now, folks!


Dear Family,

        My crystal ball has been hazy so the predictions are coming through
rather slowly. Here are a few more to tide you over until the next premonition
comes upon me.

APRIL  1999
   1 Rob's birthday. Ann Velcro's her glasses to her head to avoid another
cake incident. Later, Don bites into her wedding ring as he eats a piece of
birthday cake.

   3 Holy Saturday. Megan and the girls dye 400 hard-boiled eggs for an Easter
egg hunt Sunday morning. Lauren makes sure there are no brown ones.

   4 Easter Sunday. Megan "scrambles" to dye more eggs when it is discovered
that Ry Guy has been up for two hours mowing the lawn with his Fisher-Price
bubble mower.

   7 Sisters Reunion in Hotlanta!!! Patty accidentally knocks out a flight
attendant when she swings her carryon bag into the overhead compartment and
clips the stewardess on the back of the head. No incidents on MARTA are
foreseen at this time.

  7-11 Dow Jones notes marked increase in sales of Breyer's ice cream and
Adult Incontinence Undergarments in the Southeast US. Coincidence? I think

  8 Debbie successfully enters Tim and Megan's e-mail addresses into Ann's
computer address book.

  9 Ann accidentally deletes Tim and Megan's addresses from her computer
address book.

  15 Dennis Rodman marries Jenny McCarthy in Las Vegas. His agent announces he
was very drunk and the marriage is annulled.

   24 Mom pickets the National Wildlife Assn. when the armadillo is placed on
the Endangered Species List.

MAY 1999

   3 Deb and Danny's birthdays. Ann accidentally mails her glasses to Debbie
with her birthday card.

   9 Mother's Day. All the Smith kids and their families descend on
Continental Country Club to surprise Mom. She is overwhelmed and responds with
a heartfelt,
"Oh God No! Well, I'm not cooking!" Dad makes milk toast for all.

   24 Joseph's birthday. Fun-loving Uncle Tim prepares to send him  a box of
novelty toys, including fake vomit, fake dog doo, shrunken heads, rubber mice,
etc. Unfortunately he accidentally mixes up the address labels with the
package of blank diskettes he is sending to Dad to donate to church. Wouldn't
you like to be a rubber fly on the wall when Mom and Dad open up that box?!!

  30 Deb and Jay's 18th Anniversary. Jay surprises Debbie with a computer room
which he built in the basement on nights when she was out at choir practice
and PTA meetings. Deb gives Jay a pencil with his name on it.

            Madame Patricia


At 12:09 AM 1/3/99 EST, wrote:
>Here we go!
>JUNE 1999
>   1 Patty's birthday. Guy surprises her with a brand new mini-van with a
>dishwasher hidden inside of it! (hey, these are my predictions, why shouldn't
>I get what I want)?





June 1999 continued

18 Ann and Don's anniversary. Don finds Ann's book in the cake as he is
biting into it.

  25 Dennis Rodman marries Janet Reno in Las Vegas. Her lawyer states she was
very drunk and the marriage is annulled.

JULY 1999

  10 Beech Mountain Smith Family Reunion. The family arrives only to discover
that Fred's has been converted into a  Payless Shoe Source. The Smith Sisters
are ecstatic but Mom is really ripped--she LOVED those trips to Fred's!!
  12 Freddie, Tom's stowaway cat, traps Eric Rudolph in the Beech Mountain
Rudolph finally surrenders after the Swinklestein Sisters make them listen to
their dress rehearsal. Tom gets the million dollar reward but plans to
continue to work for the post office, just for the fun of it.

  17 Ann's birthday. Don gets her a LoJack for her glasses.

  30 Tim's birthday. Megan takes him to the Indians game where he is knocked
out by a foul ball because he is watching Karen Shannon carry Pepi up the
bleachers instead of watching the game.

  31 Megan's birthday. Tim has the Infamous Allie picture made into wrapping
paper for her gift. Megan is not amused.


   3 Tim knows a good thing when he sees it. He sends Dennis Rodman 25
Divorce/Annullment kits at 15% off and throws in a Hangover Kit at no charge.

   6 Don's birthday. He finds Ann's LoJack in his cake as he bites into it.

  15 Mom and Dad's Anniversary. Mr. Shively shows up to help them celebrate.
Mom hides in the bathroom for three hours. Dad serves popcorn and sausages.

   26 Vickie buys a rare Beanie Baby and hides it in her waste basket for
safe keeping. You don't have to be a psychic to figure out what happens next.

      Madame P.


Without further ado, here's a few more:


   6 Mom makes an armadillo trap using a laundry basket, a sand wedge, coffee
grounds and a spool of Coats and Clark black thread.

   9 Lauren wins  the first grade talent contest after singing "Don't Cry for
Me, Argentina" with Caiti accompanying her on her Fisher-Price toy piano.

   11 Using his new bumper sticker kit,Tim prints one for Mom and Dad that
says "I like armadillos, they taste like chicken".

   16 Mattel attempts to lure Jay with an offer to give him full reign over
their complete Barbie House and Summer Home collection. He is torn but turns
it down when they balk at the idea of solar panels, something he feels
strongly about. Deb stands by her man and kisses those visions of unlimited
credit at CompUSA good-bye. 

   19 Mom finds that someone or something has built a miniature Stone Henge in
the armadillo trap.

   25 NunotherthanJean returns to Magnificat to become the choir director. Moo
me mae mo ma moo.

   28 Mom is served with papers  from Billy Bob McCoy, president of
APT--Armadillos are People Too. Dad's response is a resounding, "Ah, your
mother wears army boots!"


    2 Tom's birthday. Geoff makes a delicious dinner of hot-dogs and mac and
cheese. Freddie rents "That Darned Cat" for the occasion.

    3 Patty and Guy's 18th anniversary. They splurge on a new mini-van with a
dishwasher hidden inside (déjà vu, you say)?

    7 Mom finds Ann's glasses in the armadillo trap.

   13 Patty breathes a sigh of relief when the newspaper she tosses narrowly
misses a French poodle out for a walk with it's owner. However she doesn't
notice the family cat as she backs out...

   16 The Suncoast Chargers win their first football game of the season when
Danny kicks a 70 yard field goal into the wind. Proud mom Patty falls through
the bleachers while jumping up and down, but thankfully grabs her Lava Buns
seat cushion as she is going down which breaks the fall quite nicely.

   31 The Smith girls go trick or treating as the Spice Girls. The evening is
cut short because Ryan, dressed as Elvis, keeps trying to eat the sequins off
his white bodysuit.
  This should tide you over until the spirits speak again.
>   3 While watching A&E Biography, featuring Steve Jobs, the Smiths are
>astounded to learn that the computer mogul got the idea to name his company
>"Apple" after finding an apple core under his couch, which had been left
>by his children's baby-sitter, Ann Smith.
>   6 Lauren is a hit at Night-in-Blue  when she performs, "I Can't Help
>That Man O' Mine," accompanied by Claudia Kerr on the piano.
>   9 Don Smith is informed by Ed McMahon that he (and anyone else in the
>continental United States with a mailing address) may already be a winner
>the  $10,000,000 American Family Sweepstakes.
>   14 Not realizing she is in the Pet Products aisle at Meier's, Debbie
>up a package of Pup Corn, Snausages and Beggin' Strips to serve the Ogusses
>their weekly Friday night get-together.
>   19 Tim asks Freddie the fearless feline to testmarket his latest kit
>the "Kitty Licker," for cats too uppity to bathe themselves.
>   23  Dad worries about Mom is becoming obsessed when she serves him a
>casserole molded into the shape of an armadillo. Mom explains she got the
>recipe from  "Granny Clampett's Kountry Kitchen", a cultural program on the
>Hillbilly Channel.
>   25 Don and Ann prepare a neighborhood feast reminiscent of the first
>Thanksgiving dinner. Don finds Ann's glasses when he removes the stuffing
>the bird.
Well, you asked for it! Here are the December 1999 Predictions:

December 1999

    3  Vickie arranges for a Winterstock performance of "Fiddler on the Roof"
in the hospital cafeteria. The Columbus Dispatch declares, "Willie Nelson  IS

   10  Megan makes 2000 gingerbread cookies in honor of the millennium. She
spends hours selecting the icing, decorations etc, to make them just perfect.

   11  Ryan is sent to his room indefinitely when Megan discovers he ate all
the heads and legs off the gingerbread men she baked yesterday. Inches from a
clean getaway, Ryan is fingered for the crime when a ring of gingerbread
crumbs around his mouth is revealed as he stands under the ultraviolet
Christmas star Tim put on top of the tree.

   17  Patty calls Debbie to ask her who she and Guy have for Secret Santa.

    20  Geoff is approached by Sony, who want to by the rights to the new
video game he has developed that's a take off on Pokemon, called "Hockeymon,"
which is made up of characters that wear hockey gear and evolve to several
stages, such as Fourteeth, Twoteeth, Noteeth.

    23  Patty calls Debbie again to ask her who she and Guy have for Secret
Tim sends her a carton of Gingko Biloboa and a Memory Kit.

    26  Patty sends out the Secret Santa presents and vows that next year
will be different.

    31  In what can only be called the irony of ironies, Ann solves the Y2K
problem when trying to  access the Reale Family Webpage. Much to her family's
amazement she is offered a job as a consultant at Microsoft but it is quickly
rescinded when she can't figure out how to answer her e-mail from them to
accept the position.

    Happy New Year, Everyone!


More stuff coming when Deb or somebody finds it!














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